Psychful

Central to each person’s psychological health is the concept of respect. Respect is one of those common concepts that nearly everyone can describe.  If I ask a big-city gang member or a Baptist minister, both will agree that respect is important to human beings and critical for social relations.  Their definitions of what constitutes respect may differ, but they both understand the concept, and they know it when they see it.  It is worth understanding respect in more detail.

For our purposes, there are basically three types of respect; self-respect, respect for others, and respect from others. People who manifest good psychological health appear to practice all three types of respect.  Those with poorer mental and emotional health may suffer in the healthy application of the three types.

Self-Respect

Basic self-respect is critical for a person’s psychological well-being.  Sometimes called self-worth, self-concept, self-regard, or simple pride, self-respect is the basic sense of being a good and decent person.  This means that out of self-respect I live my life in a healthy manner.  I practice good physical health, good emotional health, and good social health.  I avoid excesses, and I live with dignity. I look out for me in a healthy way because I respect myself.

Self-respect can be considered along a continuum from very low levels of self-respect on one end to excessively high levels of self-respect on the other end.  On the low end of self-respect we may find people who lack confidence, who neglect themselves, and who are dependent on others for their feelings of worth or basic respect.  Lacking self-respect can be so painful that these individuals may numb their painful feelings with alcohol, drugs, sexual activity, or risk-taking.

On the other end of the self-respect continuum are those people who appear to have enormous self-respect but may be compensating as well.  These individuals may appear overly confident, boastful, and arrogant.  They may act as though laws and rules do not apply to them or that they deserve greater attention and admiration in social or business settings.  They may feel they are worth more than others and somehow entitled to be treated as superior individuals. This excessive self-respect may reflect narcissism at its finest.

Somewhere in the middle of the self-respect continuum are those psychologically healthy individuals who believe they are basically good and decent people, no more and no less.

Respect For Others

If it is good for each of us to have a healthy sense of personal self-respect, then it logically follows that other people are entitled to a similar benefit.  If I have good self-respect, then I must respect others as well. This is the basic healthy position popularized in 1969 by the book, “I’m OK, You’re OK”. To believe differently is hypocritical, or a sign of prejudice or psychological impairment.

By showing respect for others, I affirm my own self-respect.  It’s following the Golden Rule.  If it’s good for me, it’s good for you.  Anything less suggests there is a problem.

If I fail to respect others, perhaps I am acting hypocritically, not practicing what I preach. Perhaps I am not good at managing my emotions and tend to snap back at others when I perceive the slightest of insults.  If I am too sensitive to criticism from others, perhaps my self-respect is wanting.  If I feel superior to others and demonstrate less respect for them, perhaps I am compensating by maintaining an excessively high sense of self-respect.

It is not unusual for individuals who lack self-respect to have excessive respect for others, feeling unworthy of respect in return but able to demonstrate respect for others.  This is not a sign of psychological health.  If others repeatedly behave in a manner that we cannot respect, we may lose respect for them, “fall out of love with them”, and begin to emotionally or physically withdraw from them.  They may then need to ‘earn’ back the respect we once had for them.

Respect From Others

If we have basic self-respect, and we show basic respect to others, then it follows that we will not tolerate disrespect from others.  If I allow another to be disrespectful to me, then I am not acting with self-respect.  The problem, of course, is that I cannot force others to treat me with respect.  Attempting to do that would be disrespectful to others.  Yelling at another, “Stop being disrespectful to me!” is hardly being respectful and violates the Golden Rule. The challenge is to insist on being treated with respect from others, and if that respect is not forthcoming, to withdraw from the abusive treatment.

If I am in a restaurant and the waiter appears to be providing poor service by being inattentive to my needs as a customer, I can attempt to get his attention and repeat my request for service.  If the waiter ignores my request, then I may need to speak with the manager, or simply leave the restaurant and not soon return.  I cannot make the waiter treat me with respect, but I can practice assertiveness in a respectful manner in an attempt to achieve respect from the waiter.

If I am in an intimate or family relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me, I am obligated, out of self-respect, to try to correct the disrespectful behavior.  If my acquaintance is yelling at me I may indicate we need to take a time-out from our unproductive conflict and allow reason to return.  If the other will not stop yelling or being otherwise disrespectful, I may need to leave the scene until reason can return.  Allowing someone to treat me with disrespect reflects a lack of self-respect.

If I allow myself to become angry and yell back, I have fallen into a trap: two wrongs don’t make a right.  By yelling back I have failed to manage my own emotions, failed to consider the other person’s point of view, and failed to show the respect I am insisting on from the other.  Little good will come from such an unproductive conflict.

By becoming aware of the three types of respect in everyday life and practicing all three types, we have an actionable way to improve our own psychological health as well as contribute to the health of others.