Psychful

Nothing can be simpler, or more difficult than apology.  For minor slights, a quick and clear, “I’m sorry” may be all it takes to begin healing the hurt you caused.  When the hurt is more severe, then we move into a different realm of apology.

Most of us men and women (mostly men) could stand to do a much better job with apology.  It’s not complicated, but it is something we don’t often see well done.  We may not have seen our parents make heartfelt apologies to one another in times of need.  There are not many good examples to follow in the media, especially on television.  Occasionally a good romantic movie will demonstrate a dramatic and loving apology by the main (male) character.  But these “chick-flicks” are rarely watched by guys, with interest.

Apology, the “A” part in the LEAP formula for Healing Hurts can be learned by anyone who is motivated to develop this skill.  Even guys.  As a male marriage and family therapist for over thirty years, I have had plenty of occasions to intervene with couples who are stuck in hurt from poor attempts at healing.  I’ve learned it is possible to teach someone how to apologize effectively.

Before we cover the steps involved in making a good apology we must first consider your motivation in making the apology.  If you have really hurt your loved one, intentionally or unintentionally, and you want to do the right thing to help heal this wound, you’re off to a good start.  If you have screwed up again and just want her to get over it, then there’s a motivation problem, and the following steps will not work for you.  Think it over, big guy.  What’s more important, remaining cool, detached, in control and losing the love of your partner, or letting go of your emotional armor and letting your empathy shine through to the one you love?  I know what the female readers are thinking.

Fueled by sincere motivation to do the right thing, a full and complete apology for major hurts consists of five steps: Admission, Sorrow, Change, Request, Thanks.  Sorry, I can think of no good acronym for these steps; you’re on your own.

Admission

Letting down your emotional shield means making a sincere admission of what you did wrong.  You may have learned this by following the Listen and Empathize steps listed previously.  Keep it short and sweet and to the point.  Don’t wander; you’ll be more likely to get into explaining or justifying what you did, which is not a good plan.  This is where you say, “I was wrong when I….” Insert your understanding of what it was you did that hurt your loved one.  If you did a good job listening to her pain, you will know the correct answer for this statement.  If you didn’t listen well, then you will have trouble successfully completing this statement, and she will confirm that by her reaction to your lousy admission.  Non-admissions include, “What’s the big deal?”, “I don’t see what you’re so upset about”, and “Baby, can’t you just get over it?.”  These are not statements of admission for having done wrong, and these statements will not help healing; they will be just another emotional wound.

Sorrow

After having expressed accurate understanding of the hurt you have caused, you may now express your sorrow.  Here is where you say, “I am sorry” with no add-ons.  “I am sorry, but…” is a trap; don’t go there.  Adding a “but” to the end of an apology destroys the apology, just as adding “but” to the end of a compliment destroys the compliment (“You look real pretty today, but…”). Non-sorrow statements include, “OK, OK, I’m sorry”, and “Sorry. There, I said it, OK?”  Again, these are just more hurts piled on top of the original offense, and may explain why your loved one has handed you this article to read.

Change

First time offenses may not need a statement of change following the sorrow message.  But if you have hurt your loved one badly, or if this is not the first time you have hurt her in this way, just making another nice apology may not create the trust that things will be different in the future.  What is said here depends on the circumstances of the situation.  A decent general statement of change might be “I don’t ever want to hurt you this way again.  I will do better.” Non-change statements include “I couldn’t help it”, “That’s just the way I am”, and “It will never happen again.”  Never say never.

Request

If you have really harmed your loved one, and followed the previous steps properly, it may then be necessary to request forgiveness.  After all, your motive for making this artful apology is really two-fold; you want your loved one to heal (not scar) and you want to be forgiven.  Examples of good requests for forgiveness include, “Will you forgive me?”, or, if you need to hedge your bets a little, “I hope you will be able to forgive me.” Non-requests include, “I’ll be glad when you get over this”, and “Cheer up, will you?”

Thanks

If you have hurt your loved one so deeply to need to request forgiveness, and as a result of your artful apology she does forgive you, be big enough to thank her for her forgiveness.  Her forgiveness is her gift to you.  Your expression of thanks is a gift back to her.  A simple “Thanks for being honest with me” because she explained her pain and gave you the keys to a successful apology may be helpful and bring a little closure to this apology process.  Ending it with a sarcastic “Thanks a lot!” is not indicated.

So what do you think?  Does this help?

In apology, timing is crucial.  Offered too early, you appear anxious for her to “get over it” and move beyond her present hurt. You may have overlooked the source of the problem in an effort to quickly gain relief from your misdeed.  Apology offered too late may appear to be reluctant resignation.  Having found no other way to resolve the hurt you “throw in the towel” as a final step designed to end the ongoing grievance.  Either way, your apology appears insincere and fails to achieve any healing, or forgiveness.  Her likely reply, “You’re not sorry.”

You’ve hurt your loved one and stayed to listen based on the blog post Heal Hurts 1. As a result of your listening, you’ve gathered the information listed in Heal Hurts 2. Now you are ready to say something helpful after all your sensitive listening to your loved one’s emotional pain. It’s time for empathy and to show your empathic understanding of your loved one’s feelings.

First some definitions. Empathy is feeling with someone, sympathy is feeling for them. Empathy is a bit more intimate than sympathy. Empathy is feeling some of the same feelings your loved one is feeling, demonstrating that you’ve “been there” and felt similar feelings in a similar situation. When you have never felt the way your loved one feels, never having “been there”, the best you can do is sympathize or feel sorry for her. Your goal in healing wounds is to practice empathy, to feel some of what your loved one feels, and then communicate that reality to her.

Secondly, it is important at this stage of the healing process to show a complete understanding of your loved one’s situation. It is not the time to defend yourself or your actions. You do not have to agree with everything your loved has said up to this point, but you must begin to respond to her with empathy and understanding.  Anything less will not do.

To simplify this emotional process, and to give you a starting point from which to practice a new sensitivity to painful situations, try completing the blanks in the following empathy script with the information you gleaned while listening to your loved one.

“I want to be sure I understand. You felt _(insert feelings she reported)_ when I _(state how you hurt her based on her description)_.” And what you need me to do (in the future) is _(clarify what your partner is asking for)_.”

The short version of this which you may tattoo on the back of your hand:

“You felt___when I___, and in the future you need me to ___.”

That’s it, for now. Don’t add anything at this point. It will just water down the effectiveness of making these statements.

Using this formula sounds very contrived, elementary and insincere. Don’t worry about that.  If you have read this far, you have probably messed up many opportunities in the past to help heal your loved one’s hurts. If you sincerely but awkwardly spit out the statements suggested in this script, she will know that you are trying to do better. She’ll know this isn’t the real you, and, for now, that may be a good thing. Don’t analyze this to death, or toss it aside as too simplistic. You may not be able to afford that.

Let me share a case example from my clinical practice to explain how this worked. A couple visited with me some years ago and in their first appointment announced “We have a hundred issues we need to resolve!”  They sat down and I presented them with some printed cheat sheets that covered the points I have been making in these recent blog posts. We mechanically went through the scripts addressing their issues following the scripted formulas given here and some others I use when people are hurting. At the end of about three weeks of meetings, they came in and declared, “We don’t need to work on the list of issues anymore.” When I asked why, they said, “We have developed the skills to address our concerns now and in the future, so we can drop the other 94 issues.” This simple script had enabled them to begin to find their own language to use in future efforts at healing their wounds, and to release their grip on past grievances.

After you have completed the empathy script, stop and wait for a response from your loved one. If she thinks you “get it”, that you understand and can feel some of what she is feeling, she will likely express some appreciation for your efforts. If you have skipped any of the items on the script, or been incorrect in understanding how you hurt her or how she feels or what she wants in the future, she will likely go back to explaining again and it is time for you to listen again. Repeat this process until you “get it”.

When you have convinced your loved one you “get” the three elements of the empathy script, then, and only then, you can move to the next step, apology. This will be covered in detail in the upcoming post, The Art of Apology.

Listening to your loved one after you have hurt her is a courageous skill. It does not come naturally to most people. To do this well, to do it out of love, requires an active process of mental focus and emotional courage. Simply allowing her to “vent” until the storm blows over is a passive, ignorant, often cowardly process. Any fool can do that and most do. Learning how to help heal her emotional wound is similar to learning first responder skills for a medical crisis. Knowing what to do enables you to stay mentally focused and emotionally self-controlled so that you can do your part in the healing process.

Your reason for listening is to clean the dirt from the emotional wound. By your active listening you create the emotional safety for her to talk about her hurt, the potential source of future infection. The wound must remain open long enough to get the dirt out, and only she can tell you how long it takes to cleanse the wound. Trying to patch things up too quickly, because of your own discomfort, will likely lead to infection and scarring.

Actively listening to your wounded loved one requires you to focus on learning three things: 1) How have I hurt you?, 2) What are you feeling?, and 3) How can I help? The answers to these questions are needed in future steps you take to heal this wound. Listening for these answers enables you to stay actively focused on your loved one and not get caught up in your own reactions to the situation. Remember, this is a crisis, and you are trying to be responsible and do the next right thing.

How Have I Hurt You?

Never assume you know exactly how you hurt someone you love. It may be a fair attempt at empathy to say “I know I hurt you when I said…”, but it can be presumptuous, inaccurate, and it can interfere with great listening. Listen to learn. As long as she is still talking to you, there is hope for healing. If she shuts down, you cannot get the answers you need to clean up this mess.

While you are listening, look at her and give evidence that you are listening. Maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, saying “uh-huh” or “OK” when you think you better understand her pain can be good signs of your active listening. Remember, active listening cleanses the wound. Passive listening can be interpreted as not caring and shut down the whole healing process.

While listening to understand how you have hurt your loved one, do not argue, defend or correct any misperceptions on her part. You are listening to understand the hurt from her perspective, not to share your perspective. She is the one who is wounded, and you are trying to help heal the emotional wound. There may be a time later in the process for you to share your thoughts, even your wounds, but not now. Wounded people don’t want to hear the problems of their first responders.

What Are You Feeling?

Listening for feelings is an art form in itself. Therapists spend much time in graduate training programs to develop this skill. For now, stick with the basics. If she says she feels hurt, unappreciated, taken for granted, insulted, or unloved, remember that. If she doesn’t tell you specifically how she feels you will need to imagine how she feels, begin to empathize with how she feels. If you cannot discern any of her feelings at this stage of your skill development, it’s probably safe to stick with “hurt”.

It may be most obvious that she is feeling angry. Remember that all that noisy anger is a shield protecting hurt feelings underneath. The louder the anger, the thicker the shield, the more feelings there are to protect. The absence of anger can be a sign that there are no longer sensitive feelings that need protecting, a potentially bad sign for the relationship. Begin to see anger as a sign of hope; she still has feelings that need protection. But anger is secondary to the hurt, and you need to remain focused on the hurt.

How Can I Help?

Embedded in every human complaint is a request. Most people complain rather than ask for what they want. In listening to your loved one, you want to discover what she wants from you in the future. In the simplest form, she may just want you to stop saying or doing whatever it was that caused this wound. As in understanding feelings above, you may need to imagine what she is asking for if she is not explicit. The better you do at this, the better the resolution at the end of this healing process. If you can discover or interpret a constructive step you can take in the future to prevent these hurts, you can come out of this healing process more of a hero than a schmuck.

After actively listening to your loved one, after uncovering the answers to these questions, and after allowing her to decide when she has said what she needs to have heard, you may cautiously move on to the next step. If you move on prematurely, you will likely hear your loved one begin talking more about her hurt. Somehow you have given her the impression you didn’t hear it all. There’s still dirt left in the wound. Continue to listen until the wound is clean.

In Healing Hurts 3 we will take the information you gathered in these steps and move on to the next step in the healing process: Empathize. Stay tuned.